Relationship Myths That Steal Your Joy

I wish i wrote this, but i didnt, in fact i wish i could find another portion of this article cause it made me stop n think, i mean really thinking...deep-plato-into-thought-thingamajig.. a friend forwarded it to me not long moons ago...it works for me in many aspect of my life not only relationship wise but the overall outlook of oneself..hope it will for u as well...

People talk a lot about happiness in the future tense. How many times have you heard people or friends say, "If I could just find the right person, I'd be so happy"?But happiness is not a circumstance to wait for. Happiness is being satisfied with who you are, where you are, and where you're going. It's not about anybody else but you, it requires no one else's approval or validation or permission. It is one of the few things you have complete control over and while cultivating happiness can be hard work, it's work no one else can do for you.

Myths that Steal Our JoySo why are so many of us unhappy or dissatisfied? There are a lot of reasons, but certainly part of it is because the media and people around have fed us lies and told us that we should be unhappy. We are told what we are supposed to want and when our circumstances fall short, we feel it. Of all the myths that keep us down in the area of relationships, there are two that stand above the rest.

Myth #1 You need a significant other to be happy. This is possibly the biggest lie out there and arguably the one that most of us believe. Surely if there's someone who thinks we're special, who wants to be with us and spend time with us that's a surefire recipe for bliss? Wrong. Somebody, anybody is not better than nobody. Don't get me wrong, a relationship with the right person is a wonderful sweep-you-off-your-feet experience well worth the effort. But if you're looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend to fill an empty spot in your heart, you're asking for the impossible and will end up disappointed.

Myth #2 If I get married one day, everything would be perfect. It may not be the biggest myth out there, but this one runs close, especially with women. There seems to be a general opinion floating around that if two heads are better than one, then marriage has to be the end all answer for everything. It is tragically untrue. Your husband or future spouse is not a Fairy God-Mother with a magic wand that will make all the problems in your life disappear. The hoopla surrounding a wedding can be pretty distracting for a while, but eventually you will get home from the honeymoon and reality will be waiting for you.The truth is that no person, no matter how perfect or charming or sweet, can make you happy all on their own. Happiness is an individual sport, just you and the clock. How you see yourself, the kinds of people you surround yourself with, the way you see you job and your place in society -- all of these will impact your happiness in a way that no person ever could. And this is great news. It means that you don't have to wait for anyone, you can start working towards being happier right now.

The First Step Toward A Happier You.If you're not happy with your life, now is a great time to look at the reasons why (and after getting this far through the article don't even think of blaming it on your love life!) Why are you unhappy? Are you lonely? Disappointed? Scared? Feel rejected? Unworthy? Angry? Harboring regrets? Take a good long look at what you're really feeling. As Dr. Phil McGraw, relationship guru to millions through his appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show is fond of saying, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." Now is the time to figure out what's really bothering you.The time to deal with the issues that are making you unhappy is before you get into a relationship. Think about it -- you can be utterly selfish for awhile and only deal with what you need. What you lack in intimacy, you gain in space, and space can be a wonderful balm for the healing process. If you don't feel like you can face these things alone, head for a friend, not a new significant other. It's unfair to expect someone who hardly knows you to work through these things with you and it's almost impossible for them to give you the honesty you'll need. A good friend however, knows you well enough to encourage you and help you and to give you insight from an honest and loving perspective. Don't doom a new relationship by turning dinner into a therapy session.

You Have to Like Yourself First.The key here is to realize that the most important element to finding happiness is finding peace with yourself. If your opinion of yourself is healthy you are much better equipped to face whatever challenges the world throws at you. If you have low self-esteem (and many of us do) the first thing you need to realize is that you can't keep looking to other people to validate your existence. You must get to a place where you like yourself, by yourself, if you're going to make a relationship a success. If you rely on a partner, or a parent, or a boss for your self image you're putting a lot of power into the hands of another person.The way we value ourselves governs the way we treat ourselves, how we judge success and failure, the choices we make, the people we spend time with and how we allow those people to treat us. You have to respect yourself to get respect from others. The road to self-esteem can be a long one and old scars can make the journey seem almost impossible. It took me five years to get to a place where I liked myself again (you can read my story here). It is worth it.Once you are in a place where you like yourself and value yourself for who you are you are in a great position to be happy single or in a relationship. You will be better prepared to make a good choice of partner and better equipped to be a good partner. The one person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is you, so if you want to be happy for rest of your life, the time to make peace with yourself is now.

BONE

I have so many bones to pick as well from gargantuan prehistoric dinosaur size all the way to the fish bone with my ‘bestest’ galfrens aka The Tribal Council. Let me share with you the rancour feeling I hold on so tightly. Sitiwankembang shall be pursuing her master in Nottingham by 16/9 and we shall see her only after a year. Akraffame on the other hand since quited her job, shall be leaving for Yemen to quench her thirst for Arabic Language also for a year and at the moment is in Mecca for the month of Ramadhan and thereafter off to Yemen. Amelie who was just betrothed last weekend plan to join her future husband in Miri soon after the marriage which is very near in the future. How I survive this, shall be another hideous story.

How could they do this to me…the day I got married to One Who Always Forget I didn’t move an inch further…I stayed where I am now..(which is unfortunate in rhetoric)..But the wise one (read also me) once said “if u love someone u let them go, when they get lost they will come back (‘kembali ke pangkal jalan”)”..Anyway am sending them a WARNING as well..If u guys don’t come back I know where to find you, and your parents houses, fiancé’s, workplaces….HAHAHAHAHAHA…u can run but u cant hide….ok…am scarring myself as well now…

Childhood Memories

Today a very dear colleague of mine was admitted to the hospital after he collapsed at the library due to high blood pressure. I was talking to my boss about it and I said this must be due to stress and much to my surprise and out of nowhere, my boss said, you better be careful as you may end up just like him. He said you worry too much and you stress over the smallest thing and you need to learn to relax. If not….

Geez boss. Thank you for that!!! And I wonder who the main contributor of my stress is. Ding ding ding. Yup, you guess right. He is none other than my boss who calls me at odd hours or even during that one day that I am on leave after months of backbreaking work to ask me weird questions or to ask me to drop by at the office. Don’t get me wrong, I have the best boss in the whole wide world. Really. He is patient and understanding.

I guess my boss has a point. I am a “stresser”. Yeah, I know there is no such word. Who cares? What I am trying to say is, I stress out over everything. Seriously? Seriously! When guests come and I don’t have ice. I stress out. When I don’t have enough sleep, I stress out. When a friend does not talk to me or ignores me, I stress out. It does not take much to stress me out. Today I was particularly stress out as I have to decide whether to take a very important English test or go to Bali and P.A.R.T.A.Y with ma frenzz… I started calling everybody and freaking out like the world is coming to an end. Then I stressed out on whether I can pass the test. (I passed my French test for God’s sake!!! And I am worried about my English test!!!, See I told you so)

Anyway, all the stress that I have been feeling lately somehow made me miss my childhood. I know that was way way back during Jurassic time but I can still vividly recall the carefree days where I can “get married” and play house with a boy without having to stress out about wedding preparations or where I can go to a wedding reception without getting weird looks about why I am still single and not married? Yes aunty, I know your daughter is so “laku” and so pretty… She got married so young and can have it all. WHATEVER. I miss the time when you can have a fight with your bestest friend in the morning and forget all about it during recess. I miss the time when I can cry my eyes out and have a tantrum in a middle of a shopping complex and people will just say, she is just a kid. (not that I ever did that!) I miss the time when I don’t have to worry about my ticking biological clock or whether I would ever meet Mr. Right. The only thing I worried about when I was small was whether I could get permission to sleep over at my best friend’s house. Sigh. What can I say….Life goes on right….As it should.

And I'll take with me the memories.. to be my sunshine after the rain... Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday....

Roger and out.

Jerk Magnet

Hear ye hear ye. The queen has descended from her throne. What gives? Something must have happened which is worth telling. Damn right!!! So here we go. I am telling my story. I've had this crush on a guy i met at a course. That was three years ago. He is handsome and very the control macho. But has the personality of a three year old boy. He knows i exist but it does not go beyond that. Yeah sure, once in a while he'd sms me (too cheap to call and he expects me to call him!!! ) yeah, i know, i know, warning bells should have sounded by then. But i was too blind or is it too deaf to hear the warning sound. ding ding ding. Current score : me 0 the jerk 1. Ooh sorry, legally speaking i cant refer to him as the jerk until i do this... the guy that i used to like shall hereinafter be referred to as "the jerk". Yup okay. Moving on...



I know that he knows that i like him and he knows that i know he knows that i like him. Confused? Alah senang citer we both know but we both pretend not to know. Anyway, recently, he was transferred near the place that i am working. He was previously working in a kingdom far far away... I was excited and could almost hear the wedding bells. here comes the bride..... he he he. Eh my life, my dreams okay. Little did i realise that the sound i heard was not the wedding bells but the warning alarm.... stupid me stupid me...



Anyway, he smsed me and asked me to look for a room near my place for him to rent. (tengok nak mintak tolong orang tapi sms je.....) And me being the nice person i am (masuk lif tekan sendiri) willingly obliged. Since i could not get a place on such a short notice, i offered my dad's place somewhere nearby and went through so much trouble just to accommodate him. I even cleaned the house for him something i dont even bother to do for my own house!!! Its true that people say love will make you do crazy things.



So after he has nicely settled in, i even offered that he stay at the house rent free. Yup free of charge. And after that he nicely dropped the bomb. Oh by the way, i dah ada gilfriend, we declared a long time ago.... OH MY GOD!!!! Current score : Me 0 jerk 2. To quote a friend.. WTF!!! Could things be any worse you ask. Well, since you asked... it could. I know the gilfriend and she comes to my office quite often. Well we work in the same department after all.. i was thinking, hey, if he has a girlfriend who works near my place, why the hell did he ask me to look for a place for him. That's what girlfriends are for right? I felt so used. Like kain buruk. Waaaaa.



I felt numb.... Couldnt believe that i could let it happen... Stupid me stupid me.... I should have listened to my good friend who told me that she has this bad vibes about this guy....But alas, i listened instead to my raging hormones. Not my fault okay....



Anyway, it dawned upon me that this guy is a jerk!!! Duhhhhh. A big huge jerk!!! Since this is only my second jerk experience, i suddenly thought of my friend who claimed that she was a jerk magnet. Past tense is used as she is now happily married to a decent man. For those of you out there who dont understand the meaning of the term jerk magnet let me englighten you on the history and brief background on how the term was coined. (chewah macam buat concept paper lak) The term "jerk magnet" was coined by my very dear friend, (you know who you are) when she kept getting into relationships with guys who look decent but turns out to be jerks. So she lamented that she is a jerk magnet. She is only capable of attracting jerks. It turned out to be so true that if you wanted to know whether a guy is a jerk or not, just bring him close to my friend and if she sticks to him. Yup, you got your answer. He is a jerk alright. Jgn marah ye dear, nanti kena jual. I saja usik you.



Now that she is happily married, i think the title of the jerk magnet must go to someone right? I guess i must have subconsciouslly said pick me pick me. And guess what, the winner is ... me. I recently called her (the friend who was recently known as the jerk magnet.. mcm nama prince lak) and asked her about her experience with jerks. I asked her how many jerks do i have to go through before i could finally meet "the one". I asked her, was it more than ten? She said yes. My heart just broke. I am only at number two. Two down and one dozen to go. She then said, looks like you'll live forever. Hah hah hah. Thanks dear... That really made me feel so much better.




So, did i learn anything from this experience... Well, i'll let you know later....Well i know one thing for sure... "somebody's gonna get hurt really bad..."



Roger and out.

Life's Scars

They say the world is round, and yet
I often think it square,
So many little hurts we get
From corners here and there.
But one great truth in life I've found
While journeying to the West-
the only folks who really wound
Are those we love the best.

The man you thoroughly despise
Can rouse your wrath, 'tis true;
Annoyance in your heart will rise
At things mere strangers do;
But those are only passing ills;
This rule all lives will prove;
The rankling wound which aches and thrills
Is dealt by hands we love.

The choicest garb, the sweetest grace,
Are oft to strangers shown;
The careless mien, the frowning face,
Are given to our own.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.

Love does not grow on every tree,
Not true hearts yearly bloom.
Alas for those who only see
This cut across a tomb!
But, soon or late, the fact grows plain
To all through sorrow's test;
The only folks who give us pain
Are those we love the best.

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox-


A prayer for the heart

"O Allah Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum, I desperately seek your Love and Mercy.

Please shed your Light and Guidance on this weak and sinful heart. Only to You I cry and beg for the strength to face the coming days. For every trial and tribulation, please Ya Allah, let them bring me closer to you. Protect me from sadness and despair. Please mend this grieving heart Ya Allah, as only You can, and let it become whole with unwavering faith in your Greatness.

O Allah, Lord of the Heavens and the Earth, You are my Creator, only You know the depths of my soul, the seen and unseen. Only You listen to my silent pleas and Only You can answer with Your Infinite Mercy and Compassion. Please Ya Allah, let these tears fall and flow only for You, and for no man....no more."

"When my heart became constricted and my path became narrow, I took hope in Your Pardon and Forgiveness as an opening and an escape. My sins seemed great to me but when I compared them to Your Forgiveness, I found Your Forgiveness to be greater."

-Imam Shafi'e (rahimullah)-

Perempuan Gatal

The past few days of the week have been quite easy on me workload-wise. So under the pretext of appearing to be busy reviewing some document on my PC (eyebrows crossed together, finger tapping, my mouth worked into a frown to perfect the look of someone totally engrossed and on her way to becoming employee of the year), I decided to check out the latest entries of my fellow bloggers (errrr...does having a sole introductory entry under your blogging resume entitle me to be admitted into the folds of the blog fraternity?). So there I was, excitedly clicking on my bookmarks, looking forward to read what these interesting people had to write to whet my insatiable appetite of being fed with what other human minds have to offer....only to be frustrated. Just as I was about to rant at one of them via YM for not supplying me with my serving of "wisdom" for the day, I realised that I'd be exposing myself to the possibility (more like certainty) of being gunned down point blank. Suddenly broken shopper's (fka shop-a-dick) words echoed in my head "When are you going to write something else apart from Inaugurated??" Post note: By the time I got to finalising and posting this entry, the tactful and impatient Broken Shopper dah "sabo" dulu. Chaittttt!!

Ok, so I'm guilty as charged. So much for warning the LOTR (which by the way, does NOT stand for the award-winning trilogy) that I expected them to contribute at least 1 entry per week or else. Not that it was much of a threat anyway, but hey look at how The Rainhouse's been filled up by amelie and broken shopper (yes, yes i'm attributing it to yours truly). sitiwankembang is still the reigning silent blogger of the lot though, but we're not giving up on her. At least, not yet. (Errrr....do I hear the first lash of a hurricane?)

Right, so here it is. I have decided to write on perempuan gatal. And I'm here to warn the readers of The Rainhouse (which comes up to an amazing number of 6 people including the LOTR themselves) that you cannot run away from being called perempuan gatal. The truth is, there's no escaping it. No matter what you've done (or haven't done) to protect yourself from it, it'll come looking for you at the least expected moment. It'll catch you unaware, when you're at your most vulnerable. And when it does, no good amount of crying or ranting will help you save you from that dreaded label: P-E-R-E-M-P-U-A-N G-A-T-A-L. I should know, because it happened to me.

I remember it vividly as if it was yesterday (which it was not, I'm not saying that as a cover-up okayyy...). There I was diligently drafting an agreement, my fingers busily typing away on the keyboard (no, this one was for real. I wasn't faking it) when suddenly I felt a certain sensation creep through the back of my hands. At first it felt like macam kena gigit pijat or some other microorganism which had pincers, so naturally i started scratching (i can practically see a word bubble appear on top of ye heads "aaahhhh...that kinda gatal". Ok, but the preceding paragraph had you people thinking that I was this shameless hormonally-driven female homosapien who's every woman's worst enemy and every man's wildest dream right? Errr...well, maybe not the last part). That turned out to be a bad idea because as soon as I started doing that, my hands and arms broke up in wheals ranging from the size of 5 to 10 sen. Not a pretty sight that. And with every scatch the itchiness got worse. Every wheal demanded that I scratch it vigorously and without mercy. The feeling? I believe the most apt word to describe it only exists in 'Bahasa Malaysia': Merenyam (note: the syllable 're' is to be pronounced as if you're gurgling water i.e the way the french say their 'r's). Unable to bear it any longer, I asked a colleague for minyak gamat to help me get rid of it.

Woohoooo. That turned out to be a BIG mistake: (1) the merenyam feeling intensified, and (2) in my attempt to seal the cap of the minyak gamat bottle, it slipped through my oily fingers and spilled onto my keyboard (yes, me very smart letak minyak gamat dekat tepi keyboard). I let out a yelp.

"Eh, your keyboard oso sakit is it?"

*kurenggg...*

I dashed to the toilet and let water run all over my hands. Double woohooo. The wheals got redder and were taking on bigger shapes and sizes, you know the kind like when little droplets of water come into contact with each other and form a small puddle? (Am I being too descriptive here?) Back at the office, I decided to show off my biological tattoos to my officemates in an attempt to become the centre of attention and get their advice on how to make them go away.

"Eiiiii...ni kena gigit ke?"

"Ntah la....tiba-tiba jer gatal semacam"

"Eh, I penah kena something like this dulu, orang kampung panggil...gegata"

So there it was. Finally, a name to the affliction that was ravaging my upper limbs. Gegata. I'm thinking it actually originates from the word "gatal-gatal", but the absence of the letter "l" at the end makes me wonder if the kelantanese deserve recognition for the existence of the term (my saing2 kelate, care to verify?). Then came all the suggestions for natural remedies from minum air kelapa muda (which isn't so bad actually) to air daun pokok betik. I remember broken shopper shared with me a traditional concoction which she used to drink to cure herself of allergies, but I can't seem to recall what it was. Actually I think I forced myself to completely erase what she recommended from my brain cells because it sounded too vile and unfit for human consumption. Like something out of Fear Factor. No way am I downing something like that down my throat. Not if I can help it.

I finally went to see the doctor. I plomped myself on the patient's seat, grinned and proudly put out my arms for him to examine. Dr. R took one look and them and asked, "What did you put on your arms?" I followed his stare. Mak aiihhh, putih melepak! I finally look fairer, this is exactly the skin tone that I've always dreamed of having... "Errr... calamine lotion la Dr. Tak tahan, merenyam!" Dr. R ordered me to wash it off. So my natural skin tone was revealed albeit marked with those unsightly gegata wheals. Notice how when you're having a fever, feeling lousy and all, and any tom, dick and harry can immediately see the letters "MC" all over your forehead, but once you step into the doctor's room, your temperature goes down and you suddenly look better? Annoying ain't it? Well, let me tell you... when you're a perempuan gatal in my category, you don't have to worry about that. The marks take quite a while to completely disappear from the skin. They come with a vengeance, but they take their own sweet time to subside.

Hives. That's the English term for gegata. Urticaria. That's the medical term for it. Got me pretty excited. See, I've been very much interested in all these medical stuff since I was in school. Really. How on earth I got myself involved in the most joked-about profession on the face of this planet is a story for another day. So I did some research and coupled with Dr. R's informative explanation, this is the low-down on urticaria:

1. There's no cure for it.

"Gasp! Girls, I have an incurable disease!" akraffame, (2007) The Drama Queen of Hives.

2. It's difficult to identify what causes urticaria. Known triggers include medicines, food, infection and irritants. However in approximately half of the cases, the cause is unknown. In my case I observed the recurring pattern and managed to tag it to the temperature. Mine was cold-induced urticaria (although for 2 weeks I got a kick out of telling my colleagues that I was allergic to the office).

3. Acute urticaria may last a few hours to several weeks. Chronic urticaria refers to hives that persist for 6 weeks or more. It comes and goes as it pleases. Apparently it's like your body undergoes a switch. I've never been allergic to any food (except fish roe) or any medication and I don't really have sensitive skin. But snap! The moment I suffered from hives, I suddenly became this hyper-sensitive woman. No, I didn't have a nervous breakdown everytime somebody spoke to me with a voice above a certain octave. Instead, I became the human dirt detector.

"Eh, ko rasa tempat makan ni bersih tak?"

"Jap jap...nanti aku testing" (letak tangan atas meja)

"Fail la beb. Buktinya? Ko tengok tangan aku ni haa..."

The Health Dept would have loved to employ me. And I would be forever banned from eating at any warung again. Yikes! The first thought may already be scary as it is, but the second thought is worse. Don't think I can bear it.

Back to hives - yes, well it mysteriously disappears as sudden as it comes. There's just no explanation for it. You may find yourself urticaria free after 3 weeks and then 5 years down the road, it appears out of nowhere and haunts your skin again.

4. Urticaria happens when the body releases histamine and other chemicals from under the skin's surface. As a result, inflammation and fluid gather under the skin and this causes wheals to appear and blood vessels to dilate. Thought of pasting a visual here but I don't want to take the risk of grossing out the "many" visitors to our blog. But no biggie right? You guys can google whaaattt...

5. Treatment: calamine and the like soothing lotions (e.g our traditional bedak sejuk) help to reduce the itchiness, (although mine was so bad at times, lumur setengah botol pun tak jalan), anti-histamine tablets, and in cases of severe flare-ups, oral steroids may also be prescribed for a short period of time. It's a well-known fact that regular intake of steroids have serious side effects, but to me, the most serious of all has to be the...much...dreaded....WEIGHT GAIN!! Arrgggghhhhhhhh...!

My gegata finally decided to take its leave after a month laying siege to my system. Alhamdulillah. And throughout that period, I was very popular among my peers. Although none of the LOTR had the distinct honour and privilege to see my biological tattoos with their own eyes, "I feel hives" which was my equivalent of saying "I feel goosebumps" retained its place at the no. 1 spot of LOTR's Wisecracks Chart for one whole month. Am not blowing my own trumpet, you only had to look at the way broken shopper laughed her head off whenever I came out with the statement. So alas, with the disappearance of my hives, I've returned to the backseat to watch broken shopper and sitiwankembang wrestle for first place at the chart. Those two are so good at wisecracks, they put the best comediennes to shame.

Phewwww....what a long entry. That should silence those beauties from complaining for awhile, haha... I shall not be obliged to contribute to this blog until and unless someone matches the length of this entry. Mmhaaaa... (with an English stiff upper lip). Just kidding. There's more to me yet. Ecehhhh...

Urticaria, I bid you adieu. Farewell wheals and merenyam-ness. It was interesting while you stayed but thank God you left. Please don't come back.

I am perempuan gatal no more. But one day, you just might be. Don't say I didn't warn you.

P/s: What happened to my keyboard that got smeared with minyak gamat you might ask. Well, by the end of the day it was starting to sound like an ECG. So before it flatlined, I mercifully asked the office IT guy to put it to sleep. I'm using a new one now, a better replacement. (Alass...if only relationships were this simple...)